Because of the options we are being presented currently in our great United States of America, I have finally decided to make the following announcement. I am now running for the office of President of the United States of America.
I make you the following promises. I will not disguise my long-held positions with smoke screens to hide what I really stand for, and I will not waffle. All national issues will play second fiddle to the following four planks in my official political platform.
Official Political Platform:
* No more changing our clocks. If people need more time to "play" during the summer, let them work it out with their employers.
* We will switch completely to the metric system. No longer will any switching to larger or smaller measurements of the same quantity involve numbers such as 212, 32, 36, 1760, 5280, etc.
* We will legislate away the concept of percents. The presence of calculators makes the confusing practice of multiplication or division by 100 no longer necessary. Instead of measuring per hundred, we will measure per unit. This will save about two years of mathematics instruction for our children, and we will no longer have to endure someone claiming to give 110% of themselves.
* We will legislate a plural for "you" in the English language, and it will be "yall." There will be no apostrophes in "yall" and "yall all" will be illegal, because it will be redundant.
I hope I cannot count on your vote.
Spring break, British style
9 months ago
